YuGiOh! : Screw the Cards
by rockanomixfiend
Summary: See the true lives led by the YuGiOh! cast, without the cards. Controversial occurences, unexpected romances, irresitable humor that shows how twisted their lives truly are without the cards at their side. Experience true humoral writing at its best.
1. Life Anew

**- - DISCLAIMER - -**

_I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh, but, at times, I think I do. That's why I'm so delusional. But, on a serious note, I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh! _

Yu-Gi-Oh : Screw The Cards

- - Yu-Gi-Oh in a real-life, humorous environment.

Chapter 1: Life Anew

"Man, Yug," Joey said, sitting in a breakfast joint with Yugi, "I never thought about how much of life I missed out on playing that retarded-ass game."

"I know what you mean, Joey." Yugi responded, as he began to eat his pancakes. "I mean, we've spent most of our years sitting here making decks and finding out how to beat this card and what no and looked at the better things in life."

"Sex, drugs, and money!" They both said at the same time, giving themselves a high five, then laying back on their chairs, took a smoke on their cigarrettes.

"So, you seeing anyone yet?" Yugi asked.

"Yeah," Joey began to reply, "I'm seeing Mai right now, but then again, who ain't?" Joey finished as they began to snicker at the comment.

"Man, you're so damn lucky. I ain't got no one right now. I'm surprised Mai ain't come on to me."

"You're like three feet tall and you're like fifteen. Of course you ain't gonna get any being that short."

"Myeh, screw it. So, you gonna go to that concert on Saturday that Kaiba's hosting?"

Joey began to let out a mumbled comment and then said, "If I get an invite, I might. You know how much I really don't like him, but it's about time he's actually doing something with all that damn money he has instead of using it to buy machines that tell him how to beat a damn card."

"Yeah. I know Mai was invited and given an invite already and- -"

"SHE WAS WHAT!" Joey rudely interrupted. "How come she didn't tell me?"

"I don't know. You ask her. That's your issue."

"Ugh," Joey said, putting his hands in his hair, "I can't believe this."

Tea then enters through the restaurant door. She spots Yugi and Joey and walks over to sit down with them.

"Hey Yugi. Joey. What's up?" She said.

"Same shit, different day."Yugi said, finishing his meal, slumping down in his chair.

"Yeah, and I'm finding out that Mai got invited to Kaiba's concert and didn't tell me."

"Oh, you mean that same concert me and Yugi got invited to," She began to say as Yugi tried to signal her to stop talking, "with Green Day performing there?"

Joey's face then looked blank. Practically in shock by what Tea said, his mouth dropped, stunned that Yugi did not tell him.

"You see?" Yugi began, angered that Tea spoke up about it. "I told you to be quiet about us being invited. This is exactly how I told you he would have responded."

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME ABOUT THIS YOU PIPSQUEAK?" Joey yelled, yanking on Yugi's shirt collar back and forth. "I THOUGHT WE WERE BEST FRIENDS!"

"Well," Yugi began, as Joey continued to yank on his collar, "I would have told you, but, YOU'RE REACTING JUST THE WAY I THOUGHT YOU WOULD HAVE!" Yugi finished, pushing Joey backwards causing him to trip over his chair and fall on his back.

"Guys," Tea said, beginning to warn them, "there are people here."

Joey and Yugi then looked around to see people staring them. Some had there eyes buldged wide open, some with their mouths dropped, some just dropping their eating utensils. Yugi and Joey, both embarrassed, got up an looked at everyone with their hands behind their heads as if nothing happened, laughing a slight bit.

In another part of town, Bakura sat on top of a roof committing very strange and evil acts.

"Alright, and now that you've screwed each other, go jump off the roof of this seventy-story building." Bakura said, seeming unsatisfied by what he was doing.

"Yes, master." The two woman said, as they then began to fall off the roof, under mind control of Bakura, naked.

"And I should stop their mind control right about..." Bakura said, waiting for them to fall at least halfway, "...now!" He finished, letting go of their mind control so they could feel the pain. Sighing, he continued, "How amusing. Mind control isn't any fun any more when you can't use it for anything purposeful anymore. I miss getting in that little brat's head. Sadly, life is hard when you don't have friends anymore. Maybe, I'll go home and watch 'The Young and the Restless'."

At his house, Bakura goes to his room and turns on his TV. As he's listening in to the show, he pulls out his entire collection of cards from his drawer, just looking at the purpose they no longer serve.

"I might as well give them a proper burial."

He then opened his closet door which was a portal into different dimensions and as he was deciding the dimension to put them in, a sudden call was let out.

"Bakura!" His mother called. "I have a turkey sandwich and some cookies down here for you."

"Mother is still here?" He thought in his mind. "I swore, I banished that over gaudy bitch to the Shadow Realm. Ugh, looks like I only have one option."

"I WANT TO BE ALONE, DAMMIT!" He yelled, dropping his cards by the portal and pulling out a knife as he sat by the television.

"Bakura," His mother said, walking into his room. "Why can't you just accept your mother's love? I'm only looking out for you and your interests. You don't have to start slitting your wrists every time I come in here.

"SHUT UP, MOTHER!" He yelled. "YOU DON'T KNOW WHO I AM!"

Sighing as she began to speak, "I don't know why you turned out like this. What happened to the Bakura that was happy and loved me?"

"What happened to the Bakura that was happy and loved me?" He mimicked. "Who cares? You're pathetic. I'm going out and gonna' have a smoke." He finished as he left out the door.

Meanwhile, Mai and Serenity were walking around the city, talking about things in their life while looking at stores.

"So, you're suppose to be going out with Joey tonight?" Serenity asked Mai.

"Yeah," Mai began to answer, "hopefully, his luck is on his side tonight and doewsn't try to pull anything stupid."

"Joey's not a bad kid an all, he's just too goofy at times. Trust me. Since he helped me cure my eyes, I've had to listen to his terrible humor all the times. At times, he thinks he's great too, but he just embarrasses himself."

"Yeah," Mai said, giggling a bit, "but, I guess that's what I like about him. So, you found anyone yet?"

"No, not really. Things haven't been working out very well with my 'ex's'."

"What happened?"

"Well, first, there was Tristian."

In a flashback, Tristian and Serenity are together at the movies.

"Screw the movie." Tristian said, then putting him arm around Serenity. "Wanna' have sex?"

Back in real time, Serenity continues.

"Then, there was Duke."

In a flashback, Duke and Serenity are on sitting on the Ferris Wheel, as they are now at the top, looking at the sky as Serenity has her head rested on Duke's shoulder.

"Screw the amusement park." Duke said, lifting Serenity's head. "Wanna' have sex?"

Back in real time, Serenity continues... again.

"Then, there was Marik."

In a flashback, Serenity is strapped down to a torture bed as the touring devices came closer to her, as she screamed and yelled. Marik stood there just watching.

"Screw the torture." Marik said, turning it off. "Wanna have sex and then get banished to the Shadows?"

"Wow," Mai began as Serenity's flashbacks ended, "how'd you end up with any of those idiots?"

"I guess I don't know how to pick men out." She said, making herself seem stupid, shrugging her shoulders as they both laughed.

"So, where are you and Joey both going?" Serenity questioned.

"Supposedly, this club downtown where someone's suppose to be performing."

"Oh, uh, David Chappelle?"

"Yeah, that's who. Joey's supposedly a fan of his."

"Of course. He always tries to steal his good jokes. Where do you think he gets his bad humor from?" Serenity joked, as they both began to laugh at the comment.

"So, you gonna ride in Joey's car?" Serenity said, beginning to giggle once again.

"Aw, hell no." Mai stated as they began to laugh again. "I told him we're taking my car. That broken down piece of scrap heap is terrible. No A/C, no radio, spring poking through the seat. Oh my god, I thought I was gonna die in that car."

"That's Joey for you. Surprising how he can't have luck in life as he does with those cards."

"Too true." Mai said, continuing to laugh at Serenity's jokes about Joey.

As they continued to kid around, they suddenly felt something very strange. They felt something suddenly pinch their butts. As they turned around, they saw Duke Devlin, walking right behind them.

"Oh," Duke said, acting as if he was innocent, "hello ladies. How are you today?"

"Alright, you creep." Mai said, insulted by his actions. "I'm giving you five seconds to step away from me before I make you call the cops after I beat you down."

"C'mon," Duke said, still playing around, "how can you say that? Can't you smell the sexual desire in the air?"

"No." Serenity responded. "All I smell is another loser who actually bought that Tag spray because the commercial says that women will become irresistibly attracted to you."

"Oh my god." Mai followed, as she began to laugh at Duke. "He's another one of those Tag losers?"

"Nah," Duke defended, "it's the Axe effect."

Both of them stood there, trying to hold in their laughter, but then burst into laughter, pointing at Duke.

"That's even worse!" They both said, at the same time, continuing to laugh and humiliate him, as they walked away from him.

"And get that dice out of your ear." Mai shouted as Serenity and her walked away. "It makes you really gay."

"So," Tristian said, walking out of a store right near Duke, "does the stuff work?"

"'Course it does." Duke said, denying what really happened.

"So, you scored?" Tristian asked, in anticipation.

"Yeah, I got some." Duke lied.

"Alright then. I just saw Serenity pass by. I'm gonna' try to score."

"Good luck." Duke said, sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

Later that night, Joey and Mai arrived at the club where they went out on their date. As they sat down and listened to the comedic styles of Dave Chappelle and the music in the background, they began to talk about things occuring in each others lives. As they shared there laughs and moments of truth, Joey finally brought up the question on his mind.

"So, what's this concert with Kaiba I hear about?" Joey asked Mai.

Mai began to responded, after she froze in the middle of drinking her drink, "How do you now about it? It's private and invite only."

"Well, I heard that you got invited."

"Yeah," She said, slowly drinking her drink, "I was."

"Why didn't you tell me? You know that you can talk to me about anything."

"Yeah, I know that, but I know how you are with Kaiba. Hun, know that things between us will stay the same. I'm just trying to protect you. I understand that there is an invite, but you know that Kaiba will do things to bring you down. Just like how you protected me back in the Battle City Tournament, I will protect you now."

"Thanks Mai." Joey said, understanding where she was coming from. "We can always catch another concert coming up."

"Yeah," Mai began to respond, "it'll be more enjoyable with you there, hun."

After they enjoyed their time, dancing in the club scene, Mai pulled up at Joey's house, dropping him off.

"Alright Joey, take care." Mai said, as she parked in front of Joey's house.

"I love you, Mai." Joey said, looking at Mai with his passionate eyes.

"Aww, I love you too, hun." Mai replied, feeling shy in Joey's presence.

As they kissed before departing each other, Joey then left her car. Happy to see Mai's smiling face as she left, Joey continued to smile as he walked into his house. Mai then pulled off as soon as she saw Joey go inside. She made her way, quickly, to Kaiba Corporation. As she went through the gates, after being identified by security, she parked at the front and began to walk up the stairs, to the entrance.

"So," Kaiba said, seeing Mai walk through the door, "did he ask you?"

"Yes." Mai answered, in a voice, trying to hide what she was saying.

"You get his hopes up?" Kaiba asked.

"Yes." She said, with a small tear hanging on her left eye.

"Good. Now, step into my office and let's talk about the future."

As Kaiba went into his office, Mai began to tear a bit and began saying repeatedly, "Why did I do that? I'm so sorry."

– To be continued, next chapter, "Reveal the Mystery of Your Work"


	2. Reveal The Mystery Of Your Work

1- - **DISCLAIMER **- -

No, I am not the creator of Yu-Gi-Oh, the show nor the card game. However, I am now holding the entire creator himself under submission, until he gives up the rights to Yu-Gi-Oh! To me. Just kidding... or am I?

Chapter 2 : Reveal the Mystery of Your Work

Kaiba only smiled as Mai began to walk through the doors of his offices. For whatever reason that he had brought her there, it seemed as if nothing would take that rich, desirous smile off his face.

"Well Mai," Kaiba began to say, "you've gone what I wanted you to do."

"Yes, I know." Mai said, sighing, knowing in her conscience, what she did was wrong.

"Now, all I have to do is crush that low-rate excuse of a being. But, let's move beyond that." He said, as he got out of his chair and stood next to Mai, with his hand under her chin. "You wanted power. Thus, I give you me and co-presidency of Kaiba Corp. I wanted companionship. You give me you and your beautiful face. I am what you wanted, am I correct?"

"Yes," Mai said, "exactly what I wanted."

"Don't worry. I'll treat you a thousand times better than that low-life Wheeler could. We'll get to know each other better at the concert."

"Alright then, Kaiba." She said, leaving his office.

As she left his office, closing the door, she hung her head, wonder how Joey was going to take to Mai bumping him off. As she left Kaiba Corp., she got into her convertible and started the engine and looked back at the front door of Kaiba Corp. She sighed, glancing at the luxurious place and it's beauty.

"Maybe this is what I want." Mai said, still looking in back of her. "Maybe power is what I want. I could gain a lot from Kaiba and he's not a bad guy."

She then pulled off and began to get on the highway, racing back to her home. As she sped down the highway, the rain began to pour down. Drowned in her emotions, she simply ignored the fact that her interior was getting soaked and that she was being drenched in the process. She then threw her jacket in the back seat and pushed harder on the gas pedal. In mere minutes, she parked her car, at her home, put the hood back up on her convertible and went into her house.

Once she got into her house, she took her boots off and began to rush to her room. Immediately, she went on her bed, pulled the blanket over her and laid down. As she laid there in her wet clothes and as her wet hair pressed against her face, she reminisced about the countless good moments she had with her love. She continued doing so, until her dreams put her to sleep.

The next day, Yugi and Joey met up and began to walk from their houses. As they did, they noticed a huge crowd storm around them.

"Oh my God," One of the girls there screamed, "it's really Yugi Motou, the King of Games!"

"Yugi," One of those in the crowd said, "duel me! Please? I want a shot at those awesome cards."

Yugi then gives Joey a sharp look and shakes his head.

"I told you taking this way was only going to draw attention." Yugi said. "Fine then. Duel me. If you win, you get my god cards and everything else and what not."

"AWESOME!" The kid said filled with joy.

Yuig had then became the Pharaoh. No longer than two minutes, Yugi had summoned his Slifer, Obolisk, Ra, Dark Magician of Chaos, and Black Luster Soldier - Envoy of the Beginning. The kid watched in amazement as all five of them were ready to attack him.

"My almighty monsters," Pharaoh said, "ATTACK HIM DIRECTLY!"

They all attacked the kid, one attack at a time, just sending him flat on his back. Still, the kid couldn't believe that he had faced a god card.

"Ugh," Yugi said as he took his place in his body back, "you people make me wonder sometimes. I mean seriously, don't you even notice that I grow like four feet in a duel, speak in a different voice, look older and grow a few inches in another area? And the heart of the cards? IT'S NOT REAL! Me putting a hand on top of my deck and saying, 'Heart of the cards, guide me,' isn't going to get me the card I want. I obviously know what comes next because I arranged the deck in a certain order."

After saying that, a now angered crowd began to stare at Yugi ready to attack him. Seeing the huge circle of bodies around him began to frighten him. Joey then tapped Yugi on the shoulder and turned to him.

"BITCH, I DON'T KNOW YOU!" Joey said running out of the way for everyone else to beat him down.

As Joey escaped, he began to make his way, running through the city. Looking back ,seeing the crowd, he runs straight into a woman, without noticing her.

"Ugh," the woman said as she began to get up, "the nerve of some pe- - Joey?"

"Ishizu?" Joey said as he began to get up and help her out. "What's with the new clothes?"

"Do you like them?" She said as Joey began to look at her black tank top, short, blue jean skirt, high-heeled leather boots and bracelets on each arm.

"Yeah, just now you look like everyone else."

"Aw, Joey, you don't know about fashion. Have you seen Yugi around lately?"

Joey then began to look up with his eyes. Taking a quick thought, he finally came up with answer, knowing that Yugi was currently being beat up.

"Nope, haven't seen him all day."

"Well, when you do," She said, begin to laugh, "tell him I was looking for him.

Joey then shook his head in disbelief as he watched Ishizu walk away.

"Someone sure has become a hell of a lot preppier." Joey said as he still watched her walk away.

In the meantime, Odion and Marik prepared as they got dressed in the bakery they worked in.

"Now, there's a customer about to enter." Marik instructed to Odion. "Just act normal and serve him."

"Hello," the man said as he entered, "can I have twenty blue and pink frosted cupcakes and a large, vanilla frosting cake?"

Odion, after staring blankly at the customer momentarily, turns to Marik and asks, "Master, do I have to do this?"

"Ugh." Marik said as he raised his Millennium Rod and took control of Odion.

"Alright sir," Odion said with a dark voice speaking along with him, "I'll have ti for you in a moment."

"Uh, why do you sound different now?" The customer said, scared to even stay in the store anymore.

"What? Did I say something?"

The customer, frightened by Odion's new voice, ran out saying, "I'll just try the bakery across town."

"ODION!" Marik yelled as he let go of his mind control. "You fail me... yet again."

"I'm sorry, Master Marik." He said, as his voice returned to normal.

"Ugh, why can't you just do things right instead of always having doubts about everything?"

Odion then noticed something about Marik and he zoned out the fact that Marik had insulted him.

"Master?"

"Yes, Odion?"

"Why is it that you always cross your legs?"

Hesistant to answer, Marik stared at Odion.

"I mean," Odion began, "if you're doing that, something's gotta' be hurting down there, really bad."

"Well," Marik finally spoke, still hesitant with his words, "not quite. I've... come to find out that it's quite... small... around... there."

Marik then looked straight at the floor as Odion look right at Marik. The silence seemed to go on forever, until, suddenly, Marik broke it.

"Why did you even bring that up?"

"Well, it's just such a feminine thing and I just thought that someone like you wouldn't do that."

"You do have a point."

"But, that last part was a little too much information."

"Yeah, I know."

And as silence fell again, they both sat there looking down at the ground. In the meantime, Bakura had finally decided to come back home. He didn't fine his mother there, so he was quite relieved.

"Finally," He began, "no bitchy woman and I'm here all by myself."

As he opened the door to his room, he noticed things that didn't seem right. He then froze and rubbed his eyes, making sure he wasn't hallucinating, but they didn't seem to go away.

"Hey, look at this little cute kid." Dark Magician Girl said as she began to pinch his cheeks.

"Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute." Bakura said, trying to regain himself. "How the hell did all of you get here?"

"We came through your dimension door." Flame Swordsman said.

Bakura then looked at his closet and noticed the cards that were near the portal. He then looked at the portal and noticed that it had brought the card to life. He then quickly threw his other cards out before they reached the portal.

"Please," Bakura began to say, "just tell me it's Dark Magician, Dark Magician Girl, Flame Swordsman, and that Kuriboh."

Suddenly, a bunch of other monsters began to pop out and spread throughout his room. Bakura then put his head in his hands.

"Kill me." He said.

The next day had finally come and Kaiba began to get ready for his concert, where he would begin his mayhem.

"Mokuba, am I the shiznit or what?" Kaiba said as he was dressed in a 3XL white tee, baggy jeans, and a pair of all black Air Flights.

"More like just a piece of sh- -"

"Don't talk to me like that." Kaiba said, interrupting Mokuba. "You know better."

"You try to hard." Mokuba said. "That's why you get no game. Ain't that right Rebecca?"

"Damn right." Rebecca said as she put her arm around Mokuba, as they began to kiss.

"I'll see you outside. It's 8 o'clock and the concert is about to start. C'mon, Rebecca." Mokuba said as he slapped Rebecca on the butt on their way out.

"How the hell does he do that?" Kaiba said. "I mean, I should be able to get girls that easy. How come I can't do tha... oh wait. Me plus Pegasus plus affair plus media equals public humiliation and a drop in a girl's interest in me."

Everything at the party seemed to be going fine. As various artists from Snoop Dogg, System of a Down, Taking Back Sunday, and 50 Cent performed, everyone seemed to be having a good time. Ishizu, who had received an invitation, had just come in and had spotted Yugi. She then began to walk over to him and tapped him on the shoulder as he had his back turned to her.

"Hey, Pharaoh." Ishizu said.

"You don't have to call me that Ishizu. Just call me Yugi. What's up?"

"Do you mind if I talk to the Pharaoh?"

"No problem." Yugi said as he began to transform into Yami.

"Yes, Ishizu?" He asked.

"Oh, don't even hide it."

"Don't hide what?"

"You know what your past is. You know what was between us."

"What are you saying?"

"You know just what I mean." She said with a desirous look in her eyes. "Giving you the Millennium Necklace was just something that I thought might have helped you remember."

Ishizu then took Yami's hand and as they both reached in his pocket, they both embraced the Millennium Necklace.

"Feel its power, Pharaoh. Remember who I am."

As Yami began to search within it's power, he then began to see things that occurred in his past that he never remembered.

"Yes, yes, I do remember now, Ishizu." Yami said as he began to put his arms around her.

"Yes, Pharaoh, it is I." She said as she began to dance with him.

"Call me Yami." He whispered in her ear.

"Hey, wait a minute." Yugi said as he was inside of his body. "This is my body. That should me my girl." He finished said as he forced Yami to return inside his mind. "This is better." He said as he began to dance with Ishizu.

"What was that?" Ishizu asked.

"Nothing, nothing at all." Yugi said.

"So this is it." Yami said as he was forced to stay in Yugi's mind. "This is the payback I get after all the times I saved you, dueled for you, helped you become the big name you are today. And this is how you thank me?" He said, just giving up by sitting down, realizing there was nothing he could do about it.

Meanwhile, Kaiba had finally gotten the time that he wanted with Mai as they danced listening to the music.

"So, how do you like me so far?" Kaiba asked.

"At first," Mai began, as she spoke, "I thought you were going to be a stuck-up jerk. It turns out you're pretty loose and you can support me, unlike Joey could."

"I knew you'd like it better here with me."

"Kaiba, I don't know what to say. I didn't think you really had this side of life with you. Being that you spent your time on cards and what not, I thought you were just a geek. But, you turned out perfect."

"So, shall we humiliate Wheeler and get him out of the picture?"

Suddenly, the thought had entered back into Mai's mind. What was she going to do? Get rid of someone who she had truly loved and had truly loved her or try a new man, with more money who seems to have everything she needs?

"I say we get rid of him." Mai said, without really thinking, as she just smiled with Kaiba dancing with her.

After the concert was done and Kaiba and Mai had taken care of their business, Kaiba stood on his balcony, by himself.

"Perfect." He said, laughing in evil like tone. "Now, that Wheeler's out of the way, I can focus on getting exactly what I need from Mai. And with what I have, I doubt she will refuse."

Kaiba then walked away from his balcony and went to his room to get some sleep. The next morning, Yugi had rushed out of his house, being late to met Joey at the breakfast diner. As he got in, he saw Joey with his head down on a table, sounding as if he were crying a bit.

"Joey," Yugi began to question, "are you ok?"

"When everything your life means, you passion means, you motivation means, goes off with the person who tries to kill every hope and dream you have, there is nothing for me to really live for anymore." Joey said, as he began to cry harded.

"No," Yugi said, "Mai wouldn't have."

– To be continued, Chapter 3, Why, Mai, Why?

Author's Note: I just wanted to get a few extra characters in. You will see Tristian, Duke, and Tea back, if you're wondering. I'm glad to see that you guys are enjoying the fic. Just realize that the relationships between characters will vary. For example, Mai can break up with Kaiba and go to Tristian. Then, she'll go with Marik, and etc. This gives it a bit more of a real feel to it. So, it's not like the typical, expected relationship. Rockanomix, out.


End file.
